Welcome to Birds That Fill Me with a Vague but Persistent Dread, a new daily column here at PEOPLE Pets.
Today’s Bird That Fills Me with a Vague but Persistent Dread is the Acorn Woodpecker (Melanerpes formicivorus), pictured above in Costa Rica.
Why the expression of hysterical, on-edge, hand-in-the-cookie jar guilt, Melanerpes formicivorus? What have you done?
Oh, I see. You look like that because according to All About Birds, Acorn Woodpeckers spend their days “[storing] thousands of acorns each year by jamming them into specially made holes in trees.” And I bet you do that with your terrifying sickle claws, don’t you? Just seizing nuts all day and cramming them into holes with your evil foot-hooks, compulsively, over and over again?
There’s a name for that condition, and it’s called hoarding. We’ve watched shows about it.
Get some help, Melanerpes formicivorus. Your family – composed of large groups that breed cooperatively and raise their young as a unit, like some kind God-fearing-family-structure-mocking polygamists – is worried about you.
This has been Birds That Fill Me with a Vague but Persistent Dread. Thank you.