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"Forgot DWTS is tonight! Someone DVR it for me. Want to watch Ralph Macchio go down for what he did to Cobra Kai Dojo."
– A Tweet from the comedic impersonator of the Bronx Zoo cobra, the notorious snake that briefly escaped from captivity
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"Since we're not getting married on Saturday, I've scheduled a movie: Runaway Bride."
– Hugh Hefner, finding humor in being left at the altar by fiancée Crystal Harris, Playboy's July cover girl, on Twitter
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"So, Depardieu created his own little jet stream. Or as the French would say, wee wee."
– CNN's Anderson Cooper, giggling over French actor Gérard Depardieu's airplane urination incident, on Anderson Cooper 360º
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"A lot of people are very curious why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentleman, the cast of Entourage!"
– Emmy host Jane Lynch, giving a witty welcome to the cast of the testosterone-driven HBO show, at the awards ceremony
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"In Britain, they're like, 'How are you friends with Jay-Z?' It's almost like they're jealous. It's the same with my wife: 'How the f--- did you manage to do that?' And my answer is: 'I have no idea.'"
– Gwyneth Paltrow's husband and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, to Pitchfork
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"Cool it, honeybadgers. We're just friends."
– Olivia Wilde, squashing reports about a budding romance with longtime pal Justin Timberlake, on Twitter
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"'You better get busy because when we were your age we were selling out concerts.'"
– Michael Jackson's brother Jackie, egging on the late pop star's children, who are interested in joining the family biz, to PEOPLE
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"[I] even gave her my husband for goodness sakes! What a good friend can you be!"
– Hollywood veteran Debbie Reynolds, joking about her friendship with one-time rival and good friend, the late Elizabeth Taylor, to Access Hollywood
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"It's a hairpiece."
– Justin Bieber, making fun of his own mane, on The Late Show with David Letterman
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