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"I can't believe I smell this good!"
– on what Taylor Swift's new perfume should be called
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"I guess the Broncos were so anxious to win another Super Bowl, they were actually willing to sacrifice a virgin."
– on Tim Tebow's recent trade to the New York Jets
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KNOW YOUR LIMIT
"I was two drinks over my limit, and four drinks less than Randy Travis."
– comparing his Las Vegas carousing the night before the awards to that of Travis, who was arrested for public intoxication in February
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"That song has got to be the biggest surprise hit since Osama bin Laden said, 'Who is it? Come in!'"
– on Toby Keith's smash song "Red Solo Cup"