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"I wonder if this is what Jesus felt like when he started Christmas."
– Jimmy Kimmel, who declared Nov. 17 National Unfriend Day on Facebook, on his late show
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"I started losing weight and realized, 'Oh, it's true what they say: Diet and exercise really work!'"
– Kelly Osbourne, appearing in her first bikini on the cover of Shape
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"First, I make my apology calls to Clooney, Pitt, Depp and Pattinson. The others take it well, but Pattinson cries like a little girl."
– Conan O'Brien, imagining if he were crowned Sexiest Man Alive, to PEOPLE
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"She has a tattoo of his [NBA jersey number], which is number nine, on the back of her neck. She should just put a six in front of it and go on and be single!"
– Wendy Williams, solving one of Eva Longoria's problems following her divorce filing from her basketball star husband Tony Parker, on her talk show
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