Jessica Biel knows life with a toddler is anything but glamorous.
“How many surfaces of your home are covered in what you hope is chocolate?” the host asked.
Want all the latest pregnancy and birth announcements, plus celebrity mom blogs? Click here to get those and more in the PEOPLE Babies newsletter.
RELATED VIDEO: Jessica Biel Says Son Silas Has His Father’s Style: He’s a “Mini Justin”
And when she finally gets her child to sleep, the actress is not happy with anyone who makes noise that may rouse Silas from his slumber.
“God forbid they wake up in the middle of the night,” Biel says, joking, “You know, if you wake my kid up in the middle of the night by accident, you’re dead to me.”
Of course, it’s usually her partner’s rowdy friends who create a stir. “That’s right,” she jokes. “Not my friends. My friends are quiet, demure, modest. He’s a wild musician.”
“This is terrible, but I’ve heard so much about the ‘three-teens,’ ” Biel explains. “The 3-year-olds are called the ‘three-teens’ because they’re so insane that they’re just like having tiny teenagers, which is way worse than having big teenagers, I think.”
FROM PEN: Bachelorette Jillian Harris Talks Mom Shaming and Mom Guilt: “We’re All So Hard on Ourselves”
As a parent, Biel knows how difficult a night out as a family can be. That’s why she is co-owner of a restaurant called Au Fudge in Los Angeles, where parents can enjoy a meal (and a trip to the bar) while their children hang out with an au pair in the restaurant’s “creative space.”
Though things are tough at this age, Biel has nothing but love for her son. “I mean, listen: It’s not all terrible, by the way,” she tells Colbert. “He’s, like, the greatest of all time. Now I’m feeling really bad. He’s cute. He’s funny.”