Eva Amurri Martino is not staying silent about her concerns that she may be suffering from depression.
“A couple of days after Thanksgiving, our Night Nurse fell asleep while holding Major and dropped him, and he cracked his head on the hardwood floor,” Amurri Martino, 31, wrote. “[Husband Kyle Martino] and I were sleeping at the time and were awoken by the sound of his head hitting the floor, and then hysterical piercing screams.
Added Amurri Martino, “He suffered a fractured skull and bleeding on his brain, and was transported by ambulance to Yale Medical Center where I spent two harrowing days with him to receive emergency care and further testing. To say these were the most traumatic and anxious two days of my life is an understatement.”
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The actress, lifestyle blogger and daughter of Susan Sarandon shares Major and Marlowe with 36 Hours host Martino. And while her harrowing experience was terribly traumatic, she said she’s lucky her son was not seriously injured.
“But here’s the good part: by the grace of all of his many angels, and every God one cares to pray to, MAJOR IS FINE. Completely fine,” she wrote. “He has been healing well, hitting milestones, cooing, smiling, and generally showing us that he is and will be [okay] as he grows and develops.”
Amurri Martino also expressed concern about telling the world her story, and feared people might judge her for using a night nurse.
“I chose not to share [for] fear of judgement. The internet can be a peculiar place, where some people forget about humanity and go for the jugular. I know that this news might reach many, and of those many there will always be the people who say that this accident was my fault,” she wrote. “That if it had been me in there holding him instead of a Night Nurse, that this never would have happened. That I deserve this for allowing my child to be in the care of somebody other than me.
“Well, let me tell you — the guilt I bore in the days and weeks after this accident was more intense and more damaging than anything I would wish upon my worst enemy. I had all those same thoughts and more.”
She continued, “I wept in the hospital, telling anyone who would listen that it should have been me. That I was to blame. The truth is, even this woman who came so highly recommended, with a perfectly clean track record, could make a very human mistake. It ‘could happen to anyone,’ and as they told me repeatedly in the hospital, it DOES happen to anyone. More often than you’d like to hear.
“Obviously, the (extremely upset and remorseful) nurse is no longer working for our family, though we forgive her. And even though I finally made peace with the fact that this freak accident could not have been avoided by me, it has continued to [affect] me to my core and in all aspects of my daily life.”
Amurri Martino told readers that she can no longer handle anyone but herself taking care of her children.
“It’s nearly impossible for me to trust anyone but myself to take care of Major now,” she wrote, adding that she no longer has help during the night. “Hearing Major cry hard immediately triggers my memories of the moments after the accident and instigates an immediate panic attack – my heart races and tears spring to my eyes.
She went on to say that she sometimes gets dizzy spells, and often feels overwhelmed and nauseous. Her appetite “has decreased to nothing” and she has been having a difficult time sleeping. She said she realized she was “not okay” when her daughter Marlowe fell while they were at a playground.
“Within 10 minutes she was totally fine and normal – but I stood there while Kyle held me, sobbing and shaking, while my scared [2-year-old] watched,” she recalled. “I think I need to take some things off of my plate. It’s time to really face this all and find a solution.”
Amurri Martino added that she believes she is dealing with “some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, possibly linked to some form of Postpartum Depression.” She also noted she is seeking help from a therapist to deal with the trauma.
“I have somehow retained a lot of optimism and humor through these challenges, and there have been many moments in the past month where I have found silver linings in the day – but the storm under the surface has been brewing to a point that I can no longer ignore,” she writes.
And for her New Year’s resolution, Amurri Martino says that she hopes for a more smooth year overall.
“With open arms, I welcome 2017 as the year I learn to forgive a little deeper, to let go a little more easily, to accept some things I cannot change, and to love myself a lot more unconditionally.”