Photo Illustration by People.com / Photos Provided by Getty
Kelli Bender
March 01, 2014 09:35 AM

If the Oscars are the grand finale of the awards season, then the MTV Movie Awards are the wild after-party.

MTV’s show abandons the usual pomp and circumstance in favor of some unorthodox touches. Tucked in among MTV’s prizes for movie of the year and best female performance are more-ridiculous honors – best shirtless performance, for example.

These bonus categories allow films that aren’t quite Oscar-caliber – Twilight, ahem – to walk away with their own, albeit different, gold statuettes.

Sensing 2014’s Academy Award contenders were tired of missing out on all the fun, we’ve gone ahead and predicted the results for this year’s Oscars – if the award show were to loosen up and adopt MTV’s kookier categories.

Best Shirtless Performance

Christian Bale in American Hustle (2013)
Francois Duhamel/ Columbia Pictures/courtesy Everett Collection

Winner: The strangely attractive, beer-bellied wonder that is Christian Bale in American Hustle

Honorable Mention: While she’s not truly shirtless, Amy Adams‘s gravity-defying dresses from the same film certainly deserve a shout-out

Best Villain

Michael Fassbender in 12 Years a Slave
Fox Searchlight

Winner: 12 Years a Slave‘s ruthless Edwin Epps, played by Michael Fassbender

Honorable Mention: Captain Phillips‘s pirate leader Abduwali Muse, portrayed by newcomer Barkhad Abdi

Comedic Genius

Bruce Dern in Nebraska
Paramount Pictures

Winner: Nebraska‘s subtle, stubborn performance by Bruce Dern

Honorable Mention: Jonah Hill’s Wolf of Wall Street chompers

Best Kiss

Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams in American Hustle
Everett

Winner: Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams’s NSFW cat fight/lip lock in American Hustle

Honorable Mention: Wolf of Wall Street‘s “age is nothing but a number” smooch between Leonardo DiCaprio and Joanna Lumley

Best WTF Moment

Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street
Paramount Pictures

Winner: The Wolf of Wall Street‘s quaalude-fueled crawl to the car, starring Leonardo DiCaprio

Honorable Mention: The rest of The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Scared as S––– Moment

Sandra Bullock in Gravity
AP

Winner: The second half of Gravity, also known as Sandra Bullock vs. outer space

Honorable Mention: Cate Blanchett‘s fall from the high life in Blue Jasmine

Best On-Screen Duo

Jared Leto and Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club
Everett

Winner: Jared Leto and Matthew McConaughey‘s odd couple business partnership in Dallas Buyers Club

Honorable Mention: Dame Judi Dench and Steve Coogan’s mother-son pairing in Philomena

Best Hero

Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips
Columbia Pictures

Winner: Tom Hanks’s pirate-foiling skills in Captain Phillips

Honorable Mention: Dallas Buyers Club‘s rodeo-loving leader Matthew McConaughey

Best Fight

U.S. poster for August: Osage County
Everett

Winner: Almost any meal that Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep sat down to in August: Osage County

Honorable Mention: Bradley Cooper‘s scuffle with Christian Bale’s hairpiece in American Hustle

Best Musical Moment

Winner: Samantha’s sweetly musical relationship “photograph” in Her

Honorable Mention: Leonardo DiCaprio’s wiggly wedding moves from The Wolf of Wall Street

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The 86th annual Academy Awards, hosted by Ellen DeGeneres, airs Sunday, March 2, at 8:30 p.m. ET on ABC.

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