Michael Bay’s hotly anticipated reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hits theaters Friday. The comic that the series was based on began in 1984, which means roughly 30 years of Americans have familiarized themselves with the concept of anthropomorphic adolescent amphibians skilled in martial arts. Take a second and drink that in.
And since the four characters have evolved through multiple incarnations, including a cartoon series and four feature-length films, their personalities have entered the mainstream much in the same way that characters from The Simpsons, Sex and the City or the U.S. Supreme Court have. (It’s not unheard of for people to quip these days, “You’re such a Scalia.”)
Accordingly, here is your guide to deeper self-discovery, couched in the personality traits of irradiated, sewer-dwelling vigilantes.
You’re responsible, but also a bit of a buzzkill. You’re the oldest, and leadership has perhaps been foisted upon you to a degree you’re uncomfortable with, though you’ve grown into your role handily. You’re at your best deciding the paths of social outings, cracking the whip on misbehaving members of your friend group, and generally providing direction.
Because of your fondness for blue and aura of assertiveness/fun-dampening, people may compare you to Cyclops from X-Men. This is an insult, and you should attack them with swords. Leonardo is infinitely better than Cyclops. Everyone hates Cyclops.
Your natural counterparts in any group setting are Michelangelos and Donatellos. You will clash with Raphaels, but they provide a good foil.
Should you feel an affinity for Michelangelo, you’re most likely the class clown, the cut-up. You probably also partook in herbal remedies in college, and may or may not continue to do so on a daily (or hourly) basis.
You may strive to live up to your Michelangelo-ness by attempting to coin or over-utilize multiple catchphrases, like “Cowabunga” or “Shell-shocked!” Do not do this. It is antithetical to your nature. Let the catchphrases flow from you, as a stream flows from a mountain spring deep within the rock.
Your easygoing nature means you can find a good rapport with any of the other Turtle personality-types, though you provide a nice balance to Leonardo’s earnestness and Raphael’s edginess.
Donatello is frequently pegged as the “nerd” of the Turtles and is characterized as a tinkerer. But this intellectual rigorousness also manifests as a willingness to look within: Donatellos are often introspective sorts. George Harrison obviously would have been a Donatello fan. (Paul McCartney, the A-type overachiever, is a Leonardo; rebellious John Lennon a Raphael; Ringo is a Michelangelo if ever there was one, minus the proclivity for talkativeness.)
Be wary of getting stuck in your head to the point of indecision, and keep in mind Donatello’s weapon of choice: You would do well to remember Roosevelt’s axiom, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”
Donatellos pair well with Michelangelos. However, friction may arise with a Raphael, whose bad-boy nature may result in bullying the nerdier Donatello. And engage Leonardos with caution: Donatellos may be inclined to chafe at taking orders from someone they perceive as an intellectual inferior, though they are too quiet to make a big deal out of it.
You’re a loner, Dottie. A rebel. You’re probably a bit of a jerk, too. But you’re fiercely independent and passionate, and you can always be counted on to help your friends in a pinch or tough spot. You may demonstrate a proclivity towards profanity, which you should watch in a professional environment.
Raphaels’ irreverence pairs well with Michaleangelos but will (naturally) clash with Leonardos. They can be neutral to favorable towards Donatellos, but as mentioned above, can sometimes manifest this attitude by simply steamrolling over their meeker counterparts.
You love pizza.