I love funny guys. Funny guys really have the world in the palm of their funny little hands. Everyone loves funny guys, except of course other funny guys, but it doesn’t really matter because truly funny guys are rare and they usually don’t run into lots of competition. When they do, it is delightful for the rest of us because funny guys don’t get into fistfights or barroom brawls like other guys might; they just try to be funnier than the other guy and we can just sit back and enjoy the show. Funny guys have an easy time with me because I don’t trust handsome guys. If a handsome guy is interested in me, the first thing I think is, “He’s gay.” Then if he actually isn’t, then I think he is a gigolo. If he doesn’t play for pay, then I try to find something else that might be wrong with him.
I don’t like good-looking guys. They make me nervous. They make me mad, because I think that because they are so handsome, they must automatically think that I am fat. I know that is crazy, but I don’t care. I never give handsome guys a chance, because I just think the world is good enough to them without me lending a hand. But a funny guy gets his way with me every time. I can’t help it. I think I love funny guys because they try harder. For whatever reason, they couldn’t get by on their looks. They weren’t able to ride the good-gene gravy train like all those boring handsome guys. They had to learn how to charm others in order to get ahead. They had to work on their personality a little. Being able to make others laugh is considered a gift, but it is not one given to you by your parents on your birthday. You actually have to work at it, and pretty hard I think. Humor is often born out of pain and suffering, so usually, funny guys are the product of broken homes and out-of-control adolescent acne. Funny guys are usually survivors. They know what it is like to not get the girl, to strike out, to get picked last, and they pass the savings on to you. Funny guys have a knack for understanding others, because if they are really funny, they have probably had to deal with a lot, and part of being funny is knowing where everyone else is coming from. I would rather have a funny guy over a handsome guy any day, and all funny guys are smart, which is not always true with handsome guys. I would prefer lying in bed all day with Eugene Levy to a night out clubbing with Orlando Bloom. I don’t even know what clubbing is. It sounds painful, like it might involve baby seals and therefore is something I absolutely would not want to do. Funny guys are better than any other kind of guy in the world, and if you don’t think so you don’t know any.
Margaret Cho is a comedian as well as a political and civil rights activist. Her latest book of humor, I Have Chosen to Stay and Fight, was published last month by Riverhead Books.