ABC (Wednesdays, 10 p.m. ET)
If you ever commit a felony, beg the judge to send you to ABC’s prison. Here the women inmates don’t riot, they go to makeup class. “Go easy on the lipstick,” says the teacher to the con, “it makes you look like a…” “I am a hooker,” says the prisoner. Here inmates wanting jobs as prison clerks are told to provide résumés. (References and fingerprints available upon request.) Here the deputy warden dresses like Dan Rather and the shrink hands out mind-numbing drugs to psychotic killers who patiently line up like depositors in a bank. Twinkies doing time.