I would like to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for Sexiest Man Alive 2013-2018. Because nothing’s less sexy than a one-term SMA. Just ask that loser Matt Damon. Now, I know no one has ever taken the crown back-to-back, but no one is not me. How will I accomplish this? Simple. By launching initiatives to make America sexier.
My first action will be to change the stripes on our flag to vertical. No one wears horizontal stripes well. Our slimmer-looking flag will be the envy of the world and make all other sideways-striped flags feel self-conscious. Take that, Greece and Uruguay. Your flag looks fat, Thailand and Germany!
As your reigning Sexiest Man Alive, I will provide a clear list of what is and is not sexy [see box]. To enforce my new sexy guidelines, I’ll employ a massive brigade of sexy police. Not only will they be sexy police, they will be policing sexy. To be clear, very sexy people making sure you people are very sexy. That still wasn’t as clear as I’d wanted it to be, but my space is limited. These brave men and women will take to the streets, asking you to replace those pleated khakis with flat fronts, untuck those shirts from your jeans and shave any unwarranted facial (or back) hair. And you will gladly comply, because it’s patriotic. Remember, if we’re not sexy, the terrorists win.
So please continue to vote for me as Sexiest Man Alive forever. I know the competition will be tough once my guidelines have eradicated all that is unsexy, but in making you sexier, I’ll be making myself sexier, and in the end, isn’t that what we’re all striving for? Say yes. That’s sexy.