Could Vanilla Ice fudge a Fashion statement? “The outfit’s loud,” says Jenny Jones, “but so’s his music.” Adds Wolf Blitzer: “I think he looks better on his pants leg than in real life.”
Just what is Robin Givens’s dress made of? Jennie Garth: “Aluminum foil.” Pauly Shore: “Razor blades.” Michael Kors: “Mirrors.” Wolf Blitzer: “Shingles.” Whatever it is, says Jenny Jones, “it’ll be a great dress when it’s finished.”
Everybody loves pop-diva Marian Carey—but oh, that dress! “It looks like a wrinkled sheet,” says Pauly Shore, “but she looks great.” Julia Phillips would rather “see her in jeans and a black T-shirt.” Michael Kors, giving the kiss of death, thinks it looks “a little bit like a coffin lining.”
Rosanna Arquette got laced for her underwear-as-outer-wear image. “Don’t look now,’ says Jenny Jones, “but your dress just became a blouse.” Wolf Blitzer thinks she appears “sleazy.” And Michael Kors sniffs, “This looks like a sausage casing.”
Does LaToya Jackson look boa-dacious or what? “I think the snake is showing a little more common sense in his choice of fabrics,” says Dave Barry. “Poor, poor LaToya!” wails Michael Kors. “I don’t know where to begin. To me, she is the ultimate fashion victim.”
Normality seems to be what Kevin Costner has going for him. “He looks very casual, very comfortable,” says Jennie Garth. “He’s like the dad I never had,” sighs Pauly Shore. “He looks real,” says Julia Phillips. But he won’t get any dances with Wolf. “I late the glasses,” complains Blitzer.
“My mom has shoes like these,” says Jennie Garth, in stunned contemplation of Shelley Winters. Wolf Blitzer’s mother does too, “especially when she’s in Florida,” he says. Dave Barry has eyes for the coat: “It appears to be a boat cover.” At least it’s not for the Poseidon.
Jaleel (Family Matters) White got a uniformly puzzled reaction. “Is this a costume?” Park Overall wonders. “He looks like an elevator operator.” Julia Phillips ponders “the comeback of Sgt. Pepper.” And Jennie Garth adds, “He kind of looks like a waiter. I’ll have the quesadilla, Jaleel!”
The judges crushed Tony Curtis’s velvet. “It’s not something I’d want my lather to wear,” says Jennie Garth. “It would be a nice outfit to lie down on,” says Dave Barry. But Julia Phillips, finding a silver lining, says, “At least he’s rot wearing an ascot.”
Is Keanu Reeves just casual—or did someone mug him for his clothes and leave him theirs? “He looks like he’s going to panhandle,” says Michael Kors. “A lot of people would cross the street if they saw him coming.” Pauly Shore says, “It looks like he got thrown out of a car at 4 in the morning and slept in a ditch.”
Does supermodel Naomi Campbell have animal magnetism? “It looks like a family of crazed raccoons attacking her body,” says Dave Barry. Julia Phillips sees a different animal: “It looks like she’s wearing a porcupine.” Ouch!
Saturday Night Live‘s Victoria Jackson wore feathers—and didn’t get tarred. “They’re what a flat girl loves. I’d love to have this dress,” says Park Overall. “The kind of look you dream about in high school,” says Blitzer, a Wolf even then.
The panel saw right through Jane Seymour’s outfit. “It’s a great look—on someone else,” says Michael Kors. Jenny Jones sees “a jumpsuit and some refrigerator magnets,” and Jennie Garth says, “It looks like she just got out of aerobics.”
Is that John F. Kennedy Jr., or is it some overaccessorized bicycle messenger? “It looks practical, but it’s probably more of a costume to give him some privacy,” says Wolf Blilter. “It’s funky, fun, functional,” says Michael Kors, and Jenny Jones says, “Nice try, John-John, but the disguise isn’t working.”
Is Luciano Pavarotti hitting a low fashion note? Dave Barry has a complicated theory: “He was eating and started to take the tablecloth into his mouth, and it got wrapped around his neck, and nobody dared tell him.”
Two judges found something quite infantile about Goldie Hawn’s outfit. “It looks like a diaper,” says Jenny Jones. Julia Phillips agrees. Dave Barry is less kind. “It’s a good look for someone who has just been caught in a car by the police,” he says.
Glenn Close could have used her eye-popping outfit at home. “How is she managing without kitchen curtains?” wonders Jenny Jones. “She seems to have been to Mr. Bob’s House of Upholstery,” says Dave Barry. “If you laid her on the floor,” observes Pauly Shore, “she’d make a killer-area rug.” Michael Kors’s advice: “Burn it.”
Gee, she looks pretty happy for someone whose sheep are missing. Khrystyne (Head of the Class) Haje doesn’t get a peep out of every judge, though. Dave Barry does see “Bo Peep,” but Jenny Jones goes for “Shirley Temple.” Michael Kors says, “Baby June,” and Pauly Shore says, “I think she needs a candy cane.”
The suit doesn’t suit rocker Steven (Aerosmith) Tyler. “If he wanted a zoot suit, find one that fits,” says Michael Kors. Pauly Shore sees “John Gotti meets Bozo.” And Julia Phillips says, “Those look like bowling shoes.”
For a change, all the judges loved somebody: Jason (Beverly Hills, 90210) Priestley. Wolf Blitzer called the 22-year-old “distinguished and conservative.” And Jason’s costar Jennie Garth offers this tidbit: “He always wears silk socks with dogs or cats or naked ladies on them.”
Why do Arnold Schwarzenegger’s slacks terminate the way they do? “I’ll be back—to get my pants hemmed,” says Jenny Jones in an Austrian growl. Dave Barry says, “He has big, shiny pants for a major sex star.” The jacket impresses Jennie Garth: “He must have them tailored to fit the muscles.”
Poor Arsenio Hall! Everybody ignored the outfit—after all, the man is made of outfits—and picked on his footwear. “What are those—orthopedic shoes?” Dave Barry asks. “I’ve heard of speaking in tongues,” says Jenny Jones, “but Arsenio is walking in them.”
Princess Diana does a stripe tease. “I think she should have had a striped blazer,” says Pauly Shore, “because she’d look like licorice.” To Michael Kors, “it looks very jailhouse.” Park Overall sighs, “I’ve never understood anything about her, or her clothes, or her hair, or her shoes.” Di not be amused.