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FAN CLUBBING: Since playing a lunatic groupie obsessed with JERRY LEWIS in the 1983 film The King of Comedy, MADONNA pal SANDRA BERNHARD has attracted a cult following of her own. Yet she’s not at a fazed by the recent spate of threats to celebrities from deranged devotees. “They’re scared of me,” cracks Bernhard, who’s filming a movie based on her solo show, Without You I’m Nothing. “I’ve always said, ‘Honey, don’t get near my ass.’ I’m going to go after some fans and stalk them. I have an Uzi. They’ll be so dead they won’t know what hit them.”

CULTURAL GLITTER-ACY: Actor RANDY QUAID, who won an Emmy for his 1987 portrayal of fellow Texan LBJ, heads back home soon to film Texasville, the sequel to 1971 ‘s The Last Picture Show. Quaid remembers meeting CY-BILL SHEPHERD on the set of the original film when she was a glamorous fashion model and he a Texas college boy. “She was into Greek dramas at that time,” says Quaid. “I was pretty impressed by that.” Quaid has since developed his own highbrow tastes. “I listen to opera,” he says. “Aida is my favorite, and lately I’ve been getting into WAGNER music dramas, like Tristan and Isolde.” Quaid would “love to play an opera singer, like CARUSO. But I’d really rather play a conductor like HERBERT VON KARAJAN or GUSTAV MAHLER. They throw tantrums.”

SPICE OF LIFE: Louisiana chef PAUL PRUDHOMME, inventor of black-cued red fish and instigator of the Cajun cooking craze, is such a sensitive soul that “you can ruin three or four days of my life by giving me bad crawfish étouffé,” he says. If he hadn’t become a chef (a job that is naturally hazardous to his figure), “I’d weigh 120 lbs. and I’d be gorgeous and I’d be a gigolo,” says the portly Prudhomme, with relish. “I love women, every kind in existence.” Including, he says, women who don’t like to eat, because “I can change their whole life in an instant. You put something in front of them that they can’t stop eating, and boy, you got somebody’s heart. I mean, you can start fooling around immediately—with complete power.”

QUARTERBACK KEEPER: What with his recent induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and his new autobiography, Looking Deep, due out soon, ex-Steeler quarterback TERRY BRADSHAW has been pondering his past. This includes his failed marriage to ice skater JO JO STARBUCK, whose career, he claims, interfered with his family plans. Bradshaw, 40, a self-proclaimed male chauvinist, feels his new wife, CHARLA, 27 (at right with daughter Rachel), has a more acceptable attitude toward matrimony. “My ex-wife seemed to be competing with me, “says Bradshaw. “All she wanted to do was just spend my money and hit the airwaves and skate in every town in the world and buy skating outfits. Hell, I never saw her. This gal, when Tin around, she makes me feel like a king.”

DIAL-A-DATE: Knots Landing’s BRIAN GREEN, who played the son of DONNA MILLS, thinks he has a surefire formula for love in the fast lane. “I just turned 16, got my driver’s license and picked up a new car,” says Green. “It’s cool. It even has a cellular phone-y. That’s a plastic device that looks like a real car phone. If you happen to be driving past a really attractive girl, you pull it out, look real important, they get turned on, and the rest is history.” Or a two-car collision.


•Nothing to Sniff At

Turner & Hooch’s canine co-star is a dogue de Bordeaux, a breed numbering less than 300 in the U.S. They sell for about $2,000.

•Quote of the Week

“If you think wealth determines genius and poverty otherwise, then look at Dan Quayle and look at me.”—Jesse Jackson

•Licking the Problem

Ben & Jerry’s new product, Rainforest Crunch candy, is made with native Brazil nuts. Forty percent of the profits go to save the rain forest.