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THOSE LIPS, THOSE NOSTRILS: The New York-based Caricaturists Society of America polled its members to find out who they feel has the most attractive individual features in America—features that club president Joseph Kaliff says “immediately attract feelings of desire in the opposite sex.” According to the artists whose job it is to draw celebs, the winners are: Most Sensual Lips—Joan Collins and Mel Gibson. Sexiest Eyes—Crystal Gayle and Clint Eastwood. Most Sensual Chins—Shirley MacLaine and Doug Flutie. Best Eyebrows—Barbi Benton and Tom Selleck. And lastly: Most Sensual Nostrils—Tina Turner and a surprise winner behind door No. 3, Monty Hall.

HIS OWN FLASH AND BLOOD: Happy 27th to Prince, who threw a birthday bash for himself and 800 guests in St. Paul, Minn. For the whoop-de-do, Prince dressed up as a pirate and performed with his band onstage. At one point he became so distracted by an overzealous fan who kept snapping his photo that he proclaimed, “If you take one more picture, I’ll…” He suddenly stopped, put his finger in his mouth and sheepishly announced, “That’s my dad and it’s okay.”

X-TRA ADDED ATTRACTION: Joan Fontaine, who won an Oscar in 1941 for Suspicion, says she doesn’t like anything in today’s movies, TV or theater that is “disturbing or unpleasant.” She says she was even shocked by Harvey Fierstein’s Torch Song Trilogy. But when it comes to porn movies, the veteran actress takes a more tolerant stance. “I remember going to one once with a Swedish beau,” she says. “Then, much later, I was in the “21” Club with another beau, and I suggested we go to a porn theater after dinner. Anyway, we get to the theater and there are two movies playing. He says to me, ‘But, Joan, they’re five dollars each!’ At this point the manager came out, smiled and said, ‘It’s good to see you, Joan! It’s been a long time. For you, it’s free.’ That wasn’t all. Once inside they put the spotlight on us. I was signing autographs. My companion was bright red. Meanwhile, up on the screen, two women were trying to be a pretzel.”

BACK TO HER SQUARE ROOTS: While strutting her stuff onstage in Cleveland, Madonna proclaimed, “To my high school geometry teacher in the 10th grade—I told you it wouldn’t come in handy!” It didn’t take long for that remark to get back to her hometown of Rochester, Mich. The comment found its way to Gerard Tarr, 34, who in 1973 was Madonna‘s geometry teacher at Rochester Adams High School. After catching her act in Detroit, the teacher then formulated Tarr’s Hypothesis: “She and those two dancers were moving in isosceles triangles all night. It was very geometrical; she just doesn’t know it.”

STATUTORY OFFENSE: Donna Mills, in Florence to film a segment of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, decided to pop in to see Michelangelo’s famed marble statue of David. While lost in her thoughts, gazing up at the larger-than-life sculpture, she was jolted back to reality by a barrage of flashbulbs. Turning around she found a group of American tourists who had decided they were more intrigued by her features than David’s. Observed Mills: “I bet this is the last time I get top billing over a giant nude man.”

DIVINE RETRIBUTION: So there she was, Bette Midler, accepting an award at the annual Women in Film luncheon in Los Angeles. The Divine Miss M is still seething over the experience of making 1982’s bomb, Jinxed, after which she and director Don (Escape From Alcatraz) Siegel parted as bitter enemies. “My film career has been short but checkered,” said Midler, who joked, “The director of my last film—I call him the Beast of Bur-bank—in younger days floored Barry-more with a left hook. But then, I heard Ethel was asking for it.”