At a benefit for Save the Theatres, a group formed to preserve Broadway stages threatened by developers, such stars as Jason Robards, Tony Randall, Maureen Stapleton and Christopher Reeve performed and reminisced about life in the spotlight. Colleen Dewhurst, currently starring in You Can’t Take It With You, provided the funniest stroll down Memory Lane. She recalled a 1974 performance of A Moon for the Misbegotten that required her to sit silently onstage for three minutes. Thanks to the Morosco Theatre’s near-perfect acoustics, she was able to catch the following exchange in the audience: Lady 1: She is big, isn’t she? Lady 2: And ugly…Lady 1: That’s just the part she’s playing. Lady 2: Right—and she’s perfectly cast.
A Shred of Decency
Though she lost her post as EPA chief, at least Anne Burford was onto one of the hottest trends in high-level management: shredding secret documents. Worried by Watergate and laws that limit paper burning, businessmen and government workers boosted shredder sales from reportedly less than $2 million in 1972 to the $65 million neighborhood last year. Michael J. Falco, president of Shredex Inc., has named his latest gizmo the Watergate Top Secret 2001 shredder. Slightly larger than a telephone, the machine weighs 13½ pounds, costs only $495 (larger models go for as much as $8,000), and cuts the paper into 1/16″ x¾” particles. Falco, whose clients include the U.S. Army and the Social Security Administration, reports that he received an order from—get this—a security agency that claimed to represent a certain ex-President who lives in New Jersey. Now what’s that old trickster up to now?
Masters and Johnson they aren’t, but humorists Charlotte Stuart and Patricia Marx certainly expand the limits of sexology in their upcoming spoof How to Regain Your Virginity and 99 Other Recent Discoveries About Sex. They claim, for instance, that amoebas are the smallest orgasms in the world, that the Bible read backward is pornographic and was the basis for the movie Emmanuelle, and that the Congressional Panel on Obscenity declared 20 words “almost dirty,” including rapier, penal, dickey, masticate and fallacious. Now, if you’re wondering about their method for retrieving lost virginity, don’t hold your breath. The authors, one of whom recently found out she was pregnant, won’t share their secret until publication later this month.
In his University of Michigan commencement address, Chrysler Chairman Lee lacocca admitted that “getting mad” at naysayers helped him put his company back in the black. Lee, who received an honorary doctor of law degree as a “supersalesman and corporate folk hero,” called the ceremony a giant pep rally to inspire graduates to follow his lead. “I want you to get so mad that you kick your elders in the figurative posteriors and move America off dead center,” he roared, then wrapped up with the following: “Class of ’83, start your engines!”
•Morgan Brittany, who plays the mean-spirited Katherine Wentworth on Dallas, blew the chance for a more sympathetic role in Boston. Scheduled to appear at a rally protesting the mistreatment of animals, Morgan was snapped by a photographer at a March of Dimes benefit in New York wearing a longhaired fur coat. The Boston group, Mobilization for Animals, promptly removed Morgan from their lineup.
•Michael Reagan complained at a press reception, “No one asks about my mom. She’s Jane Wyman, and she’s on Falcon Crest every week.” So somebody asked: Would he confirm rumors that his mom had rediscovered religion and demanded to be clothed in a nun’s habit after her death? Stammered Michael, “Uh, well, I guess we’ll find out eventually.” Next question.