From: John Mayer
To: Taylor Swift
Everyone’s been asking me what I think of your song “Dear John.” I’m so glad those “tests” and “dark, twisted games” inspired you. I mean, I’ve blabbed all over town about me and Jennifer Aniston, and none of those interviews charted on Billboard. Anyway, giving you great material was my plan all along, kid. If you need more, call me! P.S. Good luck finding a rhyme for “Gyllenhaal.”
From: Jessica Simpson
To: Nick Lachey
Dearest Nick: Congratulations on your engagement to Vanessa Manila. No-Minnelli? Minnillo! And I know you will congratulate me in return when I announce my engagement to Eric Johnson. It’s so sweet to know we’ve both moved on and seized the chance at new happiness. And yet isn’t timing a funny thing? Because I’m announcing mine so soon after yours, our names will be reunited in the headlines. “NICK [heart] (other person) and JESSICA [heart] (other person).” Sometimes it must seem as if I’ll never, ever let you leave the darling little home we shared on MTV.
From: Bruno Tonioli
To: Bristol Palin
My DARLING Bristol — This season you were A REVELATION to me. A force OF NATURE! You were a TOBOGGAN WITH FEET! And the sex appeal! DANCING WITH WOOFS!!! And didn’t my encouragement help you, my darling? Didn’t my paddles urge you on? All I ask in return, my love, is that you see if your foxy MAMA GRIZZLY might find room for me on her new show, HUNTING WITH THE STARS? If Cloris Leachman can be allowed to shoot mooses, so can I! BANG BANG, KISS KISS!
From: Conan O’Brien
To: Jay Leno
Hey ya, Jay. As always I was watching your monologue tonight-the segment with the baby ocelot burping up milk? ROFL!-and I was thinking once again how lucky I am to have such a good friend! It’s a shame our “rivalry” and “bad blood” make for such great publicity. I wish I could go on Barbara Walters and tell her that WE are the Oprah and Gayle of late night! And I would cry, buddy. You are my brother, my father, my uncle, maybe my cousin. I might just tweet some pics from our next hike!