ON JON STEWART’S OPENING SKIT: He’s in bed with Halle Berry. Dream on, dream honey! You won’t get her. Now George is in bed with him. Well, join the queue, honey!
ON PRESENTER JESSICA ALBA: She’s a great-looking bird. I haven’t seen her act yet. She’s the one who was just in that swimming pool movie, right? How did she get to the Oscars? She just turns up and looks cute. I’d love to do that: Turn up, look cute, earn a million dollars.
ON RUSSELL CROWE: Lighten up! You’re so talented, Russell. You’re such a big man and a fantastic actor. Just have a laugh!
ON BEN STILLER’S APPEARANCE IN THE GREEN COSTUME: It’s Ben Stiller as Kermit. He’s going to do a live version of the Muppets movie.
ON THE CRASH DANCE NUMBER: The set’s on fire! They look like mummies. It’s Night of the Living Dead. It’s deep and meaningful, it’s keeping in the theme of the movie. But bring me a ballerina.
ON KING KONG: One thing that makes me mad: Why do they say King Kong is a flop when he’s made $1 billion? How can you say that film is a flop? Are you bonkers? If that is a flop, can I have one now, please?
ON THE SHOW’S GAY COWBOY MONTAGE: Hysterical. It was all about the size of your weapon.
ON DOLLY PARTON’S PERFORMANCE: She’s going to explode! I’m surprised she got any air in her lungs to perform. It’s like Scarlett O’Hara. But bless her. We love her anyway.
ON THE BEST SCORE MEDLEY: Great violinist [Itzhak Perlman], but again, a montage. [The audience] is going off to get some popcorn. Dreary, dreary, dreary! Maybe they’re trying to save money?
ON THE LACK OF DANCE NUMBERS: It’s Hollywood, for God’s sake—dazzle the audience! Keep them glued. It’s become like a talk show! Give me Celine Dion or Elton John! Give me a big, dance-themed number with a big celebrity! They should have Drew Lachey doing his number from Dancing with the Stars!
ON RED CARPET FASHION: “Bland! Bland! Bland! There weren’t horrendous things like Björk or Lara [Flynn Boyle] and the tutu. All the girls went very safe and classy. Where did all the Chers go?”
ON DOLLY PARTON: “Now that’s a corset. She must have had the Rock tie up that corset for her!”