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A Random Roll Call, with Appropriate Honors, of Those Who Blew It in the Past Year

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The Who Needs Jimmy the Greek Award:

To the six sportswriters of the Dallas Morning News, who were beaten on their football picks two weeks in a row by Kanda the Great, a 1-year-old gorilla at the Dallas Zoo.

The Wrong Stuff Award:

To two Camden, N.J. high schools that contributed a science project to the space shuttle—an ant colony. The ants died.

The Mr. Sensitivity Award:

To former Interior Secretary James Watt, for his uncanny facility for insulting the intelligence of Americans of all stripes. First he banned rock music from a Fourth of July concert because it would attract “the wrong element.” (He preferred Wayne Newton to the Beach Boys.) Then he called environmentalists “hard-core left-wing radicals” and compared them to Nazis and Communists. Then he appointed a commission that he boasted represented “every kind of mix you can have. I have a black. I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple.” Then he quit.

The Telly Savalas Award:

To British punker Peter Mortiboy, an apprentice draftsman who was fired by Rolls-Royce because the firm said his killer coiffure, strengthened with Super Glue, was a hazard to his co-workers’ eyes.

The Cleat in Mouth Award:

To Howard Cosell, who, in a typically elegant turn of phrase, likened the Redskins’ wide receiver Alvin Garrett, who is black, to “a little monkey.”

The Playing the Heavy Award:

To Elizabeth Taylor, who ballooned to 167 pounds during the run of her lamentable stage revival of Private Lives. Under such weight, it was no surprise that the play sank like a rock.

The La Cage aux Foolish Award:

To Willard Scott, who delivered the Today show’s weather in drag, as Carmen Miranda.

The Fowl Ball Award:

To Yankee outfielder Dave Winfield, whose warm-up toss in Toronto’s Exhibition Stadium accidentally hit and killed a seagull. A charge of cruelty to animals was later dropped.

The Davy Jones Award:

To Dennis Conner, sullen skipper of the Liberty, the first U.S. boat to relinquish the America’s Cup in 132 years of competition.

A Dolly Parton Training Bra:

To Mariel Hemingway, who got breast implants before appearing as Playmate Dorothy Stratten in Star 80.

The How Do You Spell Rolaids Award:

To Big Apple Mayor Ed Koch, who collapsed from overeating—downing one-and-a-half orders of spaghettis with garlic and oil, veal chops parmigiana, red and white wine and cappuccino—in a single sitting. “It was,” he conceded, “a monster meal.”

Free IBM Computers to Help Find Profits in High Tech:

To Texas Instruments, Atari, Mattel and Adam Osborne.

A copy of The Peter Lemongello Hype Yourself Handbook:

To Julio Iglesias.

The Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa Award:

To proud parents Betty and Vernon Daub of La Luz, N.M., for naming their newborn son Zip A-Dee-Doo Daub.

A Harold Stassen Bumper Sticker:

To George McGovern, who’s a Presidential candidate once again.

The Getting Too Big for His Britches Award:

To Herve Villechaize, for demanding a fantastic $2 million from Fantasy Island and getting bumped from the show.

The Gold-plated Pia Zadora Award:

To Pia Zadora, for her portrayal of the title role in the year’s sleaziest movie, The Lonely Lady, and for the distinction of just being herself.