They can be scary, can’t they, those moments when you suddenly realize, “Jeez! It’s been at least a day since I heard Roseanne Barr say anything outrageous!” Oh (you think), if only Roseanne would take a tip from such major-league modern communicators as Oakland A’s slugger Jose Canseco and former PTL playmate Jessica Hahn and start her very own 900 phone line! Well, Bucky, imagine it done. Herewith, our fantasy 900 lines for some folks from whom you may already have heard too much.
LUTHER CAMPBELL: “Yo, man, It’s there, First Amendment, in big letters it says ‘Freedom of Rap.’ Good rap. Bad rap. Saran rap. Don’t matter. Hey, if the Germans can say ‘Fahrvergnugen,’ don’t pick on me! And don’t talk to me about sampling. That ain’t in the Constitution. It may be in the Federalist papers, though….”
ROSEANNE BARR: “I’m gonna sue all those money-grubbing slimeballs who shamelessly retail my life to the National Enquirer…except, of course, my husband, Tom Arnold, who needed the cash…. Maybe we should move the show to Minnesota…. Hollywood is a dirty, scum-sucking town, but hey, don’t stop the checks…. Tom, it’s another of those #$!@! paparazzi!…Oh, say can you seeeeeeeeee!!!!”
GEORGE MICHAEL: “O stardom! O cruel fate! All you get is adulation, money and a round-the-clock stylist to monitor your facial hair…. My next video—if I make a next video—will be in Swedish and star Liv Ullmann as a groupie named Death…. I just don’t want any more of these nights where I wake up screaming, ‘God, just let me be Andrew Ridgeley!!!’ ”
ANDREW DICE CLAY: “There once was a girl from Nantucket….Oops! Sorry! No dirty limericks-time to talk seriously! Hey, I’m an artist. The Dice-man is a character. But, just the same, there was an old bishop from Birmingham…. Oops! Just kidding! That ain’t the real me! I’m warm, sensitive, misunderstood, sort of like the two sailors who dined with a nun….Yikes! It just slipped out! Really! Hey, I’m learning to crochet, no kidding….”
DONALD TRUMP: “I’m worth at least $10 zillion…. I respect Ivana, who’s a top, top mom, and refuse to exploit our children…. I purchased my Palm Beach estate, Mar-a-Lago, for $1.79 by knowing when to buy…. I respect Maria, who is a top, top model, and refuse to exploit our future children…. I’m worth at least $40 trillion…. Say, are you going to eat the other half of that sandwich?”
VICTOR KIAM: “I repeat, I did not call Boston Herald reporter Lisa Olson a bitch—I called Mrs. Olson, the woman on all those coffee ads, a bitch. I see no reason for a middle-aged Scandinavian woman to serve coffee, even mountain-grown coffee, to naked athletes in the New England Patriots’ locker room….”
WARREN BEATTY: “Uh, um, hmm, uh….The color scheme in Dick Tracy is really, oh….I can’t talk about that….I can’t answer that….The colors, though, you know, primary colors like…. Uh….Well, she’s a nice girl and we like each other and, on….Say, I know a little restaurant….”